I Have A Question

For the past five years, I have maintained the website for a wonderful ministry called “Compassionate Hands and Hearts Breast Cancer Outreach.” Sometimes, I participate in their up-lifting outreaches for breast cancer patients undergoing treatment. Usually, though, I just gladly give my talents, however small that may be, to keeping the “Compassionate Hands and Hearts” website up-to-date.

There is a trend I have seen among some families of breast cancer patients (not all, but some) that troubles me. I would dearly love to have someone help me understand that trend. Too many times than I’d like to count, “Compassionate Hands and Hearts” has come to the aid of women who have been left to fight the biggest battle of their lives, alone. Men, who once claimed to love and support their wives and girlfriends, up and leave when a diagnosis of breast cancer is made.

Can someone, please, tell my why?

Was there a caveat in the wedding vows or claims of love that I am not aware?

“I promise to love you and keep you, in sickness and in health (except for breast cancer) for as long as we both shall live.”

Is there something about breast cancer that men feel is demeaning to them?

“Dear Lord, my wife (or girlfriend), whom I love dearly, has breast cancer.  She shames me, so I must leave.”

If a woman must lose a breast (or both breasts) to save her life, does she become less of a woman, and, therefore, less worth loving?

“I will only stay with you if you have breasts.”

Is a woman with breast cancer just not worth supporting, financially?

“All your surgeries and treatments that you need to stay alive will bankrupt me.  I can’t have my credit score ruined like that.”

Are the rounds of surgery and treatments just too scary?

“I just can’t see you cut up and scarred and bald and sick.  I love you too much to see that.”

WHAT?

I don’t understand.  Can a man who has left his wife or girlfriend with breast cancer tell me why he did so? Did you ever really love her? I challenge you to give me a really good, defendable reason why you did not stay and support the woman you claimed you loved.

From my own experience, I can tell you this: breast cancer is scary…very scary.  Inside my body, there were lesions whose soul purpose in existing was to kill me. I had one of my breasts hacked off (I know that’s a harsh way to put it, but that is how I felt when I woke up in the recovery room). I had to undergo chemotherapy treatments that made me feel very sick. At times, I couldn’t feel my hands or feet. My hair fell out. The slightest smell of fried food made me nausious. I looked and felt like death warmed over. I had to undergo radiation treatments on a daily basis that resulted in burning me, causing scars that, to this very day, look very angry.

After all that, I followed through with reconstruction surgery, which, amazingly, hurt more and took longer to heal from than the original mastectomy (when my breast was hacked off). Financially, even though I had (and still have) fairly good insurance, I am in financial ruin. I could not pay for all the treatments and surgeries that my insurance didn’t cover. I just couldn’t. It simply wasn’t there.

And, even though I was not in a romantic relationship during my breast cancer war, I certainly wished I had someone close, like a husband or boyfriend, I could depend on and hold me and tell me that everything would be okay, no matter what. Never underestimate what a hug from a partner can do to help make a horrible time feel better.

So, I ask my question, again, and I really do want a real and reasonable answer. If you left your wife or girlfiend who had breast cancer (or any major illness, for that matter), why did you? Why, after claims of love, did you leave the one person who NEEDED you during the most difficult time in her life?

Why?

Recently, a friend and I represented “Compassionate Hands and Hearts Breast Cancer Outreach” at a Rotary Club meeting inOviedo,Florida. The audience was 98 percent male. My friend spoke eloquently about all the services Compassionate Hands and Hearts provides for women who are undergoing treatment for breast cancer. I showed a video I had put together showing some of the women we have helped over the years. I was also conjoled into singing a song, which best represents how I feel about people who claim to love each other, especially in times of great difficulty, like the diagnosis of cancer.  It was “When I Fall in Love,” which most of us remember being sung by Nat King Cole (and later, with his daughter, Natalie Cole).

When I fall in love, it will be forever, or I’ll never fall in love.
In a restless world like this is, love is ended before it’s begun.
And too many moonlight kisses, seem to melt in the warmth of the sun.
When I give my heart, it will be completely,
Or, I’ll never fall in love.
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way, too,
Is when I’ll fall in love with you.

They gave me a standing ovation, which was a gratifying surprise. I’ve been told that some of the men even had tears in their eyes.

So, of those who left your wives and family, or girlfriends after a diagnosis of breast cancer, who is strong enough, now, to answer my question honestly and why weren’t you strong enough, then, to stay?

(image via kate.net)

Rita Van Trump spends her time doing way too many things.  A long time broadcaster, she works for WFTV/WRDQ in Orlando, FL as a programming coordinator.   Rita is married to a wonderful man, Robert, and is mom to four cats: Moxi, James, Rona and Sophie.  Her hobbies include belly dancing, playing Klingon, working on websites for her numerous avocations, singing, crocheting and knitting, and playing World of Warcraft.   At 52, Rita is looking forward to living this latter half of her life to its fullest.  You can see just about all there is to know about Rita by going to www.ritavantrump.com.