The (Eye) Candyman Can

Well, it’s official. All of my future Halloweens have been forever tainted – ruined really. This morning I was passing by the television just as Matt Lauer was discussing the new print ad for Snickers. If you haven’t had the pleasure, here it is:

This ad is so disturbing on so many levels I scarcely know where to begin.Wait, yes, I do. Let’s begin with the woman pictured in only her underwear with someone wearing boxing gloves approaching her from behind. I don’t know about you, but that image causes every stranger-danger-domestic-violence-abuse alert nerve in my body fire simultaneously and every hair on the back of my neck stand at attention. Then there is the fact that an image of a nearly naked woman is the focal point in a print ad for a candy bar. Ew. Seriously? Who was the marketing genius who said “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s use sex to sell the candy! It seems to work well for the beer and liquor people.”

Just when you think the Snickers marketing department has lost its collective mind and this ad could not possibly be more uncomfortable to look at, you then have to ponder the tag line: “You’re not you when you’re hungry”. Just let that sink in for a moment. It obviously infers that since you have not consumed a Snickers prior to having a sexual encounter that your sure fire one handed bra removal technique that you have been perfecting since your sophomore year in high school will suddenly be rendered ineffective. Is Snickers now branching into Viagra’s territory? “Take Viagra with Snickers 30 minutes to one hour before sexual activity. Contact your doctor or seek emergency medical attention if your erection is painful or lasts longer than 4 hours, or if your blood sugar spikes.”

How am I ever going to be able to give Snicker to kids after all of this? I normally treat with “Fun Size” Snickers for Halloween, but now that has a whole new, downright “icky” connotation. Damn you Snickers. Why couldn’t you just stay on the really clever path you were on with the “You’re not you when you’re hungry” campaign. Stars like Betty White and Abe Vigoda portrayed football players who hadn’t had there Snickers fix and were subsequently, not themselves. Joan Collins and Stephanie Beacham played these roles in the in the UK version and both versions were very witty, humorous, and had people talking. Other stars such as Richard Lewis and Roseanne Barr, Liza Minnelli and Aretha Franklin, as well as Joe Pesci and Don Rickles did the “You’re not you when you’re hungry” commercials and they were very humorous and attention grabbing. You actually got the clear point across that if you didn’t eat a Snickers you wouldn’t be yourself. I’m willing to overlook the glaring false advertizing and the truth that had been stretched so far it was on the verge of snapping back and hitting you upside your creepy “do you want some candy little girl” bean, but somehow, you made it work and it was fun and it turned into a successful, award winning advertising campaign for you. My question is, why, oh, why did you have to bring sex into it? After all, we are talking about candy. Candy!

Kids are still considered to be the largest consumers of candy. Kids and candy go together like, well, kids and candy! If you are trying to target the dads of the kids with the flash of flesh and sexual innuendo, here’s a word of advice from the modern day prophet Ice Cube, “Check yo’ self before yo’ wreck yo’ self”. American adults are overweight and are riddled with diabetes and other disease related to obesity. Don’t add to the problem by using the fear of sub par sexual performance if your candy bar isn’t at the ready. Geeze Snickers, you use to be my favorite. Now when I look at you I just feel dirty and objectified. You don’t understand me anymore, Snickers. Snickers, I never thought I would say this but, it’s over. Tap dance your tacky nutty goodness elsewhere and don’t let the door hit you in your chocolate coating on the way out. I will remember the good times, but I don’t know who you are anymore.

Goodbye Snick, we will always have those afternoon rendezvous at the vending machine in the break room where you indeed lived up to your promise of satisfaction.

Eliska’s theory for living life is similar to the average buffet restaurant patron: “You have to try a little bit of everything to get your money’s worth”. Eliska has had a variety of careers that include radio personality, professional figure skater/coach, activist, artist, butcher, baker and candlestick maker. She is that eccentric (which we all know is politically correct for “bat-shit crazy”) woman in the grocery store comparing apples to oranges, singing Lady Gaga, and trying to figure out how to spell onomatopoeia all at the same time. She dances to the beat of her own drum (literally, she played the drums), and doesn’t care who watches. Eliska loves shoes, giving
her unsolicited opinion, and her dachshund. Disclaimer: She tells it like it is. No sugar-coating. Except on her organic banana tartlets, of course. You can visit her at her blog and follow her most fleeting of thoughts on Twitter.