My heart feels so heavy and wounded right now that I wish I could have it amputated. In this instance, I would rather have it removed than allow what’s going on inside of it. Why is it so difficult to stay open? Why does it have to be shatteringly painful to be open to love and further more to heartbreak?
It is a sobering thought when you realize there’s nowhere to run and the only way to face the pain is to go within. Deep within. Down through the layers of protections and defense mechanisms. Underneath all the bullshit and the exhausted patterns. You start to realize that you may have never truly dealt with your pain before and have definitely never dived right into the thick of it. When you temporarily disallow yourself to run to the creamy cheesecake in the refrigerator, stay glued to your iPhone or watch marathon reruns of “Sex and the City” episodes, something is bound to happen. It is imperative and inevitable that an internal shift takes place.
I feel that shift happening but not nearly as profoundly as a crying out for protections, a deep anxious desire for something or anything to take the hurt away. It’s a dire need for a release; a release of this thick tar-like fear bubbling to the surface. My mind becomes an obsessive circular train of pain followed by fear of the pain and then of course endless ideas on how to put an end to it as soon as possible. This includes ludicrous pining for chocolate or basically anything that will distract me and desensitize my feelings.
Eventually this suffocating nonsense makes me ask myself, “Why not just feel it?” Maybe, just maybe, the fear and resistance of the pain is worse than actually experiencing it. Maybe it’s the attempt to shield my heart that makes me double over. Perhaps the solution is to go right into the heart where there is such quiet and stillness in order to fully be one with the throbbing sorrow and grief.
I believe as humans we are here on this planet to experience love without holding back. Love is everything, it’s the reason why we’re here. The opposite of love is fear. So there are only two choices at any given moment— to allow love in all its glory or to choose fear. It’s not always an easy choice and it certainly doesn’t mean that every story has a happy ending; in fact quite the contrary.
Allowing love no matter what the circumstances then becomes our purpose in life. Allowing love means to allow pain because you can’t have love without pain. In order to feel anything, you must first open up your heart to feel everything. Pain reminds us that we’re alive, it’s an essential ingredient in the recipe known as Life. Eventually we come to the realization that pain is part of the journey but love is the ultimate destination.
Madelaine Memmer is twenty-six years wise and a Los Angeles native with a true love for writing. She has a B.A. in Women’s Studies but due to her level of spiritual study, one might think she’s working on a degree in personal development. Wherever there’s a retreat, lecture, website or book on spiritual growth, you’ll find her around. When not gallivanting and traveling the world, you can find her in Los Angeles at yet another seminar or busy adding more countries to her ever-growing travel bucket list. Follow her travel and life adventures on her blog or her Facebook.