The Day After the Rapture
The Day After the Rapture

So yesterday the rapture happened. Or didn’t. I’m not sure, because I’m writing this ahead of time, just in case.

Since the world is empty of real Christians, I figured I’d try to guess what it looks like. Of course, since I’m writing this before the rapture, I have to figure out who the real Christians actually were.We can of course automatically toss out anyone who doesn’t believe in the Christian God. If you don’t even try to call yourself a Christian, we know you’re still around.

I’m pretty sure all Roman Catholics are also here. Despite being the largest sect of people who claim to follow Jesus, I’m pretty sure that they aren’t real Christians. After all, I hear that they worship Mary too. And let’s not even get started about the Pope. Yeah, I don’t expect that any Catholics were raptured.

Any church denominations that affirm gays are right out. They clearly aren’t following Jesus, who had all kinds of strong feelings about homosexuality, but just didn’t have time to share them.

Any Christians that listen to secular music can just keep listening, because they will not have been taken away. Really, any rock music, even “Christian” rock. It’s just not what real Christians did. Real Christians listened to hymns and maybe the occasional march.

If you’re Rob Bell or you like Rob Bell, get comfy, because you’re not going anywhere. I expect simply reading one of his books or watching a Nooma video excluded you. He says he believes in hell and Jesus and is as orthodox as anyone, but can you really trust someone who changes his hair color that often and who wears glasses like that?

Of course, this holds true if you are or like Billy Graham, John Piper, Pat Robertson, Beth Moore, Fred Phelps, Rick Warren, Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen or really any well known minister. I’m fairly certain all have been declared heretics at one point or another. At the very least, they have all said something that made someone who disagrees with them say, “They don’t really represent REAL Christians.”

Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever met a real Christian. Everyone seems to have something that disqualifies them from being called a Christian. A piece of questionable theology. A bad past. A habit that isn’t the best.

So I’ll probably just see you and all of the other fake Christians in church. Maybe we can go grab lunch after services.

Unless the owner of my favorite restaurant was a real Christian.

 

 

Alise Wright is married to her best friend Jason and is the mom to four incredible kids. She enjoys knitting, playing keyboards in her cover band, eating soup and keeping an eye out for killer robots. She is currently working     with Civitas Press collecting stories about depression for the Not Alone community project. You can read more of her writing at her blog and can follow her on Twitter.

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